Archive for October, 2004
October 18th, 2004 by elie
So I wonder sometimes about where all this Israel stuff comes from anyways.
This is from circa 5 years ago?
———————–
‘Jerusalem, your holy city,’
It was when I sang those words that my eyes gave way to tears. How odd, I thought, why at these words? I realized why. Next year most of my friends and classmates will be living in Israel; learning Jewish studies, living Israeli life, and in a way, putting off reality for another year.
It all goes beyond the fact that I’m upset my friends won’t be around, and that jealousy sits in my heart. It came to me, singing this Hebrew song about the ancient land of Israel and the yearning for our return to Jerusalem. Israel is more than just the place young Jewish students go to learn for an extra year. The reason why I was touched by these words was not only because I wouldn’t be in Jerusalem next year – but that I’m not there now.
I’ve been to Israel once – when I was 12, visiting famous cities and touring ancient site. Even then, I appreciated so much what Israel means to our people, what Israel meant to our people. I took steps in places my forefathers took as they avoided idolatry, were sold into slavery and built the Holy Temples. I saw the graves of men who wrote the books we’re reading today, who set the guidelines for how I live my life – hundreds of years later. If you slowly go back in time, starting with only 50 years ago when we regained the land, to the times of the prophets who spoke to God, and all the way back to Avraham, who proudly settled in a land based on faith, you can only begin to see why eighteen year old boys died in 1948, why the Jewish people are still around, and why they still hold hope close to their ever-beating hearts: the Jewish people are Israel, Israel is me.
Next year, I wouldn’t be in Jerusalem. But Israel would be mine.
———————–
Yikes!
Well, at least me and Avraham still have something in common.
October 15th, 2004 by elie
look what election 2004 has done to me:
indecisiveness -> fear of commitment -> fear of losing my freedom -> libertarianism -> everybody free -> chaos -> no responsability -> don’t blame me for your shit
October 15th, 2004 by elie
9-year-old girl i tutor studying for her spelling test:
“Betrayal. b. e. t. r. a. y. a. l. Betrayal… I would never, ever do that! No, I would never. That’s not what friends do.”
October 15th, 2004 by elie
sometimes i get delusional. meaning,
i hear the heavy step of my dad coming home after a long day of work. meaning,
it’s 11 pm and i hear the door creak shut and the heavy steps of those clunky shoes, one with a foot and one with a half-foot and a brace. meaning,
it’s time for me to run downstairs and tell him how i did in school, what i discovered, to ramble on and on for a good ten minutes before remembering that he’s not paying attention. meaning,
it’s a crapload of frustration at thinking my dad doesn’t pay attention to what i have to say.
but he does.
i’ll turn my head when i hear the clunky steps. it’s a delusion. or it’s my brother. the new man of the house. at the same time, my dad’s out there working hard and coming home exhausted at 11 pm.
clunky steps and all; just not here.
October 14th, 2004 by elie
did you know:
after they fought face to face, the angel of esav named yaakov ‘israel’ because ’srita im elohim v’im anashim, v’tuchal.” meaning, ‘you fought with god and with man and you overcame’. [gen.32:29]
maybe this explains a lot.
maybe it explains jewish atheists -
maybe it explains human nature & philosophical struggle -
we are always struggling to understand what is god, and how to relate to men - and hopefully, we overcome at some point. overcome - whether that means to choose to believe in one thing or the other, or to come to a natural healthy relationship between men.
‘israel’ - the people that struggle with the world to overcome.
October 14th, 2004 by elie
a: u know what?
a: if i had a choice between going to israel and having career passion and life drive or staying here and loving one man passionately and completely - shit.
b: damn
a: …we used to talk about passion a lot. and really, he never thought there was room for more than one passion in your life
a: i dunno
a: he might have been right
a: and the thing is
a: he might have resented the israel passion
a: i dunno if he’s right
a: i really don’t know anything
a: also, u know something else that’s weird?
b: go
a: when i voluntarily bring it up - its rare - but when i do - i feel like i’m talking about a dead person
b: wow
a: it’s so freakin eerie
a: i think i’ve convinced myself that he’s dead
a: when someone’s dead, u immortalize them to an extent that isn’t real
b: true
a: so will i always be comparing everything to this dead passion?
a: right now it’s all just a ‘concept’ in my head
a: that’s dangerous i think
a: not as dangerous as some other situations
a: but i don’t wanna wake up on a couch in 30 years to realize i’m not over a dead guy
a: weird
b: ?
a: i’ve never expressed that before
October 13th, 2004 by elie
“yo, what’s your deal?”
“what? i don’t really have a deal; i just don’t have anything anymore, for her, you know?”
“but what changed that?”
—what changed that? do you wanna go through all of that?—
“she’s been doing what she’s been willing for the past few months; i made no sound about it, i infringed on no one’s rights. i wasn’t going to make her choose - c’mon, how high school is that? i wasn’t going to make her choose between me and the others. so i sat back. she did what she wanted to do, and so she got what she wanted. she paid a price, and she got what she paid for.”
—that and some fringe benefits i wasn’t counting on—
“but you never told her what she was getting - you never told her what the price was - you never explained her that there was a psycho-sub conscious transaction going on between you two!?”
“you’re right. i never told her a lot of things. i never told her how i felt about all the shit that went down. i never told her that i loved her but i can’t for the life of me explain why, after all the fucked up knives in my back. i never told her i was really fuming inside, i never told her how betrayed i felt. i never once told her what actions to take. i never told her there’d be a price to pay.”
—yeah, i never told her. that’s my deal. that’s how much i loved her—
October 12th, 2004 by elie
guess what?
you don’t know me, but you know me.
i’m the quiet girl at the end desk, making calls between staring into space.
i’ve got loads of priorities, but you aren’t one of them.
i sit in this chair at this desk between getting drunk on weekends.
i’m living and you’re probably dead.
so remember, you don’t pay me to work here.
i collect money off your books to work -there-.