dream i had last night:
so for some god weird ass reason, i was invited to bill clinton’s house to discuss conflict management or something… so i get there and we start meeting a few times a week. ok so he would be really casual in like shorts and a tennis shirt and wed sit on a couch and i was getting these weird jacko vibes… and hillary just happened to never be home when i went… and then he propositioned me… to be the next monica… and hed hit on me. and the whacked out thing: i found him ATTRACTIVE!
then one day hillary came home and bill got all scared and i ran out of the house.
i wanted to vomit in the dream so bad because i was so confused – and grossed out – and freaked.
what the fucking fuck?!
it’s just that i haven’t felt not-invincible in the last coupla years until like a few hours ago.
what if i got killed before i made it to israel? i never really thought or cared about this stuff but suddenly, i realized, i’m actually fulfilling something i chose to commit to, and if i didn’t make it, i’d have lived unrealized and that would just be so sad.
green and white street signs.
catholic school uniforms.
new jersey turnpike.
window lights are city stars that have led me here – away
stars that carry, stars that mend; city stars never sway.
i peer across city stars; behold the city of Roam
through car windows i see stars; above green stars pointing home.
these stars are where my trust was born; these stars will carry through
but soon the stars of nightlit roads will bring me close to you.
as i was walking towards the post office, for a split second i felt like i was in israel – it smelled right, it looked right, it felt right- you know what i mean? and then i walked inside, and the line was out the door, and it just made me smile cuz i felt like i was home.
the only two things a person can control are: 1. their own actions 2. their own reactions
“fate” “destiny” “god” = words that take responsibility off of a person and thus make the person think s/he is not responsible for his/her own actions and reactions and life…
drama: when people try to control anything else besides 1. their own actions 2. their own reactions
rachel: i have a secret
rachel: before i fall asleep at night i cry to myself in my bed
liz: why hun?
rachel: bec i think about you leaving…
what have i done here?