Israel (1) – 2003.

Israel.


There’s been a ringing in my ears since my arrival here; since I’ve taken
to people-watching on the Jerusalem buses; since I’ve developed blisters on my
dusty feet; since I met Shachar and heard his voice speak the poetry of this place.

He doesn’t know it and neither do these men and women, rocking back and
forth on this exhausting bus, waiting for their stops and the release of this pause
button holding their lives in place until the standing riders call, nahag!

The poetry of this place is a beautiful bittersweet and all I want is to ride this bus
forever and let the ringing make a home in my newly awakened ears.

what i really feel…

i feel like you’re on a mission to collect a wife and a house and kids and a life but its your journey, not you and your girl’s – i feel like you walk around collecting things to put your life together – which isn’t necessarily wrong – but you need to be open to learning new things and letting your partner in life – if that’s what your looking for – give you just as much, tell you as much, teach you as much… you don’t know everything. and you can’t expect to just go around and collect a girl who has the same exact views as you and pick her up and carry her into your house like a puzzle piece and live your life.

all the rabbis i adore all say the same thing: without their wives, they’d be nothing. their wives teach them. they bring them new light. they inspire. you know what? i could be that wife, that woman, that inspiration for some guy. i will be. but i’m not gonna waste my time with someone who already knows everything they wish to know. or thinks they do. we’re so young and we know NOTHING. nothing. we’re still learning, even rabbi akiva was at 40.

but finding a life is not a collection, its not collecting all the pieces and putting together your pie. it’s figuring yourself out – searching for yourself – and as you try to find yourself, on that journey, you’re going to be finding it in the things you want, the things you’d be trying to collect – your wife, your job, your kids, your life. you will exist in those things. those things don’t exist because you found them. you exist because you found them.

god i wish my dad could hear that.

two month anniversary

So it’s been two months – as olah chadasha, as Israeli, as new life.

It’s pretty crazy that I moved out of my parents’ house and moved to a new country all in one breath. And it’s also pretty crazy that at twenty-two I am able to begin fulfilling an enormous dream, a life-project. There’s a lot going on and I just left school, the first period of my life where nothing is planned ahead for me. I could do ANYTHING right now. And I’m here, sitting at a computer in Jerusalem just discussing what is going on here, now. Post-first stages of aliyah.

And for someone who is in the process of fulfilling a life-dream, I am so very very lost. I have no direction. I took a plane east and I stopped, dead halt. The direction was east and now it’s at a standstill, four arrows pointed inward, towards my heart, beating on a daily basis in Jerusalem.

And it’s going to take time to figure it out, I have accepted that. And it all doesn’t happen so fast. And I’m not the only one. I’m not, honest. And you can’t replace your closest friends inside of two months. And you can’t ever replace your best memories, you can only make new ones. Friends and memories. And family. And you can’t have a new mother tongue. You can’t overcome your challenges in a day. You can’t accomplish life-dreams at the end of a ten-hour flight.

I wish all the people I love would come here and make aliyah too. I wish people had the same dream as me and lots of others who came here. But it is really hard. I’m not going to fool anyone or trick them into it. There is smooth aliyah, there is positive aliyah. There’s no such thing as an easy aliyah. Not if you’re doing it from scratch.

So I’m off to go figure it out. I don’t want it to be that my dream climaxed when I landed in Ben-Gurion. I think the dream has to have only just begun. My missions are not all clear right now. I thought they were, but I have a lot to discover. It’s totally fine. It’s the way it is for new olim. We push through. We force our way in. Otherwise, we end up back where we were born, wondering what went wrong. But I am going to figure it out, mistakes along the way despite the planning. This is a life-dream, and they don’t get fulfilled everyday. Or in a day. Not even two months.