Adapting to new life.

The Koala isn’t the only newbie around here. It’s hit me in the last week that I am a new person. It’s been a short process (36 hour labor) and a long process (it’s about a year since I found out I was pregnant).  But here I am, changed.

I’m a mother. I’m a food source. I’m a caregiver.

I’ve got, for better or worse, a forever-altered body.

I’m paying the bills while being challenged daily as a WAHM.

I have a new sixth sense that is always at work, whether I’m awake, on a different floor of the house, or asleep.

I have everything to lose, and if I did lose everything, I would never be the same.

I’m already not the same.

My relationships have altered. I don’t know if the other halves of these relationships realize it. Resent it. Care either way. I don’t know yet if I do.

I’m tired. I’m anxious. I’m in love I can’t control.

I want to take my Koala and fly away but I want to take my Koala and hide right here.

I’m riding a rollercoaster that started when I was born, only now, I’m climbing up to the highest drop. I thought previously that the highest drop was childbirth – the physical transition from person to parent – but now I know that wasn’t it.

I’m at the top, peering down. The highest drop takes you to a place where you are making sure he isn’t choking on a grape; avoiding physique-altering car accidents; advising on keeping away from the bullies; working toward ‘enough to eat'; looking over your shoulder to make sure he’s still behind you; dodging diseases; checking for breathing…

It’s overwhelming.

But now it’s me.

Someone to talk to.

I don’t know if it’s the cutest thing or the saddest thing… But when the mobile over Koala’s crib automatically shuts off after 15 minutes, he pleads with it to come back on.

And then I sneak by his room in covert-mode and turn it on with the remote control (!?) and listen to him squeal with delight at having his sparring partner back.

Being a mom.

At this point in my life I’ve known two too many 12-year-old girls who have fought cancer and lost.

The first time I was a kid. This time I’m a mom.

Being a mom at a shiva call for a kid makes all the difference.

There’s something about kids with cancer where they tend to have this bravery, this independance, a higher emotional intellect… It’s probably intense to watch up close and it’s fascinating to hear a parent describe it afterwards.

But we should never know.

Life in snippets.

Time is going by cliche fast. You hear it and you hear it and then it happens to you. The Koala is nearly four months old. I’m nearly four months not-pregnant. The Koala smiles, laughs, plays. My maternity leave is over and I’m juggling work and baby.

I’ve slowed down with updates here, of course. Typing a post with one hand isn’t easy, and typing a post with only the left hand is even harder.

But alas.

That’s why I’ve been doing so much updating in snippets on a convenient and too-popular snippet-publishing website you probably know by another name.

So, in short (or 140 characters or less) here is a not-so-brief list of some of the thoughts that have been floating in between my ears of late:

awesome: being able to say “I’m hungry” and not have everyone make comments like, “Preggo!” “Oh, you’re so pregnant!” “Cravings!!!” Aug 12

just set up the bath one handed. this is going to be the first bath I give alone… but team smushcheeks can handle it. Aug 11th

rocks: when you get a new scale and find out you’ve really been a kilo less this whole time. perhaps every day we should buy a new scale. Aug 9th

if I may say so myself, I need my own kids’ tv show. yes, I am that good at making up songs. Aug 4th

baby is asleep. checking my Outlook at the kitchen table. welcome back to work, me. Aug 2nd

he laughs. he laughs! Aug 1st

last of the maternity clothes into storage. so when will my jeans not only fit in the morning but also after dinner? Jul 2nd

ok going to the dentist is officially worse than giving birth. Jul 1st

this one’s a kicker. always has been. Jun 30th

it’s almost creepy the way this baby and I operate on a totally biological, subconscious level. Jun 26th

he’s lickin’ me. Jun 25th

yes, I’d like to think he’s looking deep into my eyes, but really, I know the truth. he’s staring down my shirt.#boobobsessionstartsatbirth Jun 25th

sucks when you have a great feed and then he spits it all right back up. is that equal to ‘pumping and dumping’?#thanksbutnothanksmom Jun 25th

in a world like this, it feels lucky to be a mom with her son safe and sound. thinking of #gilad ‘s mom. Jun 25th

…let the drooling begin! #babydrooliscuteuntilyouredrowninginit Jun 24th

me + crackers + hunger+ baby bjorn + hairy head = sorry about the crumbs, kid. Jun 24th

so… I’m already loving his toys more than he does. Jun 22nd

hands free… good for baby, great for mommy.#preparingforshabbatjustgoteasierthanksbabybjorn Jun 19th

it’s like a hitchcock movie. you put him down in one spot and check on him later and he’s moved across the crib somehow… Jun 11th

here’s hoping for a better night tonight. so far it’s 2-0 since the great tomato tragedy and I’m getting my ass kicked. Jun 3rd

how do they know to poop RIGHT after you changed them? is it another infant reflex? Jun 2nd

can’t help but laugh when he seals his lips when done eating. it’s like, nope. not getting in there. Jun 2nd

ur a mom when, after almost running over a kitten, u look at ur newborn in the back & deal w/ pangs of guilt. soft, soft, soft. Jun 1st

it’s time. he’s five weeks old. it’s time to teach the boy about Billy Joel and the Rolling Stones. May 31st

breastfeeding on demand -> burnt quinoa. oh well. May 25th

four weeks old today! four weeks ago today I was doing… what??? from where??? May 24th

the definition of ‘weekend’ is now having two parents at home all day instead of one… which is a true vacation at this point. May 21st

being mom to a newborn is starting a salad an hour and a half ago and just now sitting down to it. every. day. May 19th

new reason for twitter: tracking my days with bebe so at the end I can recall what I did that day… they grow up so fast! May 11th

poop is the new black. May 10th

A bit about us.

We met during the Disengagement, got married during Lebanon II, were pregnant during the Gaza incursion, birthed our baby on Yom Hazicaron eve.

Here’s to only good events coinciding between my national life and my personal life in the future.

Koala update: fourteen weeks.

Nothing but good to report about the Koala. He’s been giving me once-in-a-while nights of eight-hour sleep. He’s been relating really well to his uncle, who’s in town. He went for his first ‘swim’ and took his first splash in the face like a champ.

And… he started laughing on Friday. It was a pool-side giggle brought on by some kind of daddy shenanigans. Then last night he went full-out belly laughing.

A friend of mine who had a baby a few weeks before me reached the laughing milestone a couple weeks ago. She said there is nothing like that. She’s completely right.

Smiling was amazing and it’s still amazing. But the first laughs… It’s never felt as good for a laugh to bring tears to my eyes.

Leaving maternity leave.

Tomorrow is my first day ‘back to work’ (technically, working from home).

Fourteen weeks have flown yet moved really slowly. Just the way I like it.

It’s not easy getting back into work mode, of course. I like my job but it can’t compare to being entertained by a Koala all day.

To make myself feel better, I’ve come up with a list of reasons why working will feel good for my soul:

  • No offense, self, but being forced to chat with adults on a daily basis will be really good for my vocabulary.
  • Looking forward to being able to be a part of something bigger, global (aside from raising a child).
  • I kind of miss all the ‘what’s new’ in tech… Been out of the loop for over three months. Who knows what’s happened since I left in April. A phone that does your laundry? Facebook for infants? Twitter now makes your doc appointments? An Apple product that isn’t pretentious?
  • Less opportunity to take cute/funny/potentially embarassing photos of Koala. Good for my hard drive, good for his teenage years.

Well, here goes. I didn’t buy an automatic rocking swing for nothing.