Toilet puppies.

I want a late night show or Saturday Night Live to do a fake infomercial advertising my latest great idea.

So, you go to the supermarket, and you’re looking for the essentials, i.e., toilet paper, and you’re standing there in the aisle staring at your choices… The brand with the soft puppy on it, the brand with the soft bunnies flopped on top of each other, the brand with the soft teddy bear smiling at you creepily. I don’t remember the brands’ names, I only remember that they represent themselves with the softest things they can think of.

Happy things.

Fluffy things.

Youthful things.

Things that, frankly, you should not be wiping your ass with.

Well, I want to sell a package of puppies with a picture of a toilet paper roll on it. “As soft as toilet paper!” the label would boast.

“Like the softest thing you can think of, which is not actually toilet paper – it’s puppies – so why aren’t you using puppies on your bum?”

It would go something like this: “Puppy paper. Soft like toilet paper.”

Also, what’s the deal with spa-edition toilet paper marketing? Do puppies go to spas? Do puppies relax in tea cups? Do puppies light scented candles?

Do puppies use toilet paper?

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Disclaimer: If I get fired from my marketing job for this, I’m blaming the innermost creases of my brain wherein the weirdness is nourished.