lizrael update

Me is bored.

I’ve been going through a bit of soul-searching lately; one begins to feel more responsible for one’s actions when constantly being watched by the cute, easily-influenced eyes of a littler one.

May I come clean for a moment?

I’ve been in Israel for almost five years. It’s an aliyah faux pas to actually admit at any point that you may be tired of, out of love with, or in my case, bored of Israel. And it’s not really living in Israel; it’s Israel itself. Let me clarify the distinction.

What is Israel? Not the country - the entity.

Is it a:

1. Safe haven for Jews to get away from Western Antisemitism?
2. Home of an army where a Jew can put on a uniform and fight for his own land as our grandparents never did?
3. The magical land of humus and falafel culture (shared with Arab cultures and beyond)?
4. A place with both historical Jewish significance and beautiful bikini-clad Jewesses?

I’m bored by it… Birthright ads. Debates about the ‘C’onflict. News from my alma mater about an anti-Israel speaker on campus.

I know it’s not fair; I’ve been exposed to it since I can remember, and others haven’t.

But I’m talking about me.

And me is bored.

Adapting to new life.

The Koala isn’t the only newbie around here. It’s hit me in the last week that I am a new person. It’s been a short process (36 hour labor) and a long process (it’s about a year since I found out I was pregnant).  But here I am, changed.

I’m a mother. I’m a food source. I’m a caregiver.

I’ve got, for better or worse, a forever-altered body.

I’m paying the bills while being challenged daily as a WAHM.

I have a new sixth sense that is always at work, whether I’m awake, on a different floor of the house, or asleep.

I have everything to lose, and if I did lose everything, I would never be the same.

I’m already not the same.

My relationships have altered. I don’t know if the other halves of these relationships realize it. Resent it. Care either way. I don’t know yet if I do.

I’m tired. I’m anxious. I’m in love I can’t control.

I want to take my Koala and fly away but I want to take my Koala and hide right here.

I’m riding a rollercoaster that started when I was born, only now, I’m climbing up to the highest drop. I thought previously that the highest drop was childbirth - the physical transition from person to parent - but now I know that wasn’t it.

I’m at the top, peering down. The highest drop takes you to a place where you are making sure he isn’t choking on a grape; avoiding physique-altering car accidents; advising on keeping away from the bullies; working toward ‘enough to eat’; looking over your shoulder to make sure he’s still behind you; dodging diseases; checking for breathing…

It’s overwhelming.

But now it’s me.

Life in snippets.

Time is going by cliche fast. You hear it and you hear it and then it happens to you. The Koala is nearly four months old. I’m nearly four months not-pregnant. The Koala smiles, laughs, plays. My maternity leave is over and I’m juggling work and baby.

I’ve slowed down with updates here, of course. Typing a post with one hand isn’t easy, and typing a post with only the left hand is even harder.

But alas.

That’s why I’ve been doing so much updating in snippets on a convenient and too-popular snippet-publishing website you probably know by another name.

So, in short (or 140 characters or less) here is a not-so-brief list of some of the thoughts that have been floating in between my ears of late:

awesome: being able to say “I’m hungry” and not have everyone make comments like, “Preggo!” “Oh, you’re so pregnant!” “Cravings!!!” Aug 12

just set up the bath one handed. this is going to be the first bath I give alone… but team smushcheeks can handle it. Aug 11th

rocks: when you get a new scale and find out you’ve really been a kilo less this whole time. perhaps every day we should buy a new scale. Aug 9th

if I may say so myself, I need my own kids’ tv show. yes, I am that good at making up songs. Aug 4th

baby is asleep. checking my Outlook at the kitchen table. welcome back to work, me. Aug 2nd

he laughs. he laughs! Aug 1st

last of the maternity clothes into storage. so when will my jeans not only fit in the morning but also after dinner? Jul 2nd

ok going to the dentist is officially worse than giving birth. Jul 1st

this one’s a kicker. always has been. Jun 30th

it’s almost creepy the way this baby and I operate on a totally biological, subconscious level. Jun 26th

he’s lickin’ me. Jun 25th

yes, I’d like to think he’s looking deep into my eyes, but really, I know the truth. he’s staring down my shirt.#boobobsessionstartsatbirth Jun 25th

sucks when you have a great feed and then he spits it all right back up. is that equal to ‘pumping and dumping’?#thanksbutnothanksmom Jun 25th

in a world like this, it feels lucky to be a mom with her son safe and sound. thinking of #gilad ’s mom. Jun 25th

…let the drooling begin! #babydrooliscuteuntilyouredrowninginit Jun 24th

me + crackers + hunger+ baby bjorn + hairy head = sorry about the crumbs, kid. Jun 24th

so… I’m already loving his toys more than he does. Jun 22nd

hands free… good for baby, great for mommy.#preparingforshabbatjustgoteasierthanksbabybjorn Jun 19th

it’s like a hitchcock movie. you put him down in one spot and check on him later and he’s moved across the crib somehow… Jun 11th

here’s hoping for a better night tonight. so far it’s 2-0 since the great tomato tragedy and I’m getting my ass kicked. Jun 3rd

how do they know to poop RIGHT after you changed them? is it another infant reflex? Jun 2nd

can’t help but laugh when he seals his lips when done eating. it’s like, nope. not getting in there. Jun 2nd

ur a mom when, after almost running over a kitten, u look at ur newborn in the back & deal w/ pangs of guilt. soft, soft, soft. Jun 1st

it’s time. he’s five weeks old. it’s time to teach the boy about Billy Joel and the Rolling Stones. May 31st

breastfeeding on demand -> burnt quinoa. oh well. May 25th

four weeks old today! four weeks ago today I was doing… what??? from where??? May 24th

the definition of ‘weekend’ is now having two parents at home all day instead of one… which is a true vacation at this point. May 21st

being mom to a newborn is starting a salad an hour and a half ago and just now sitting down to it. every. day. May 19th

new reason for twitter: tracking my days with bebe so at the end I can recall what I did that day… they grow up so fast! May 11th

poop is the new black. May 10th

Lizrael Update: Back-to-work edition.

Long time no lizrael update. Let’s see…

Currently, I’m mentally preparing for the Tisha B’Av scene. It’s been a fairly long nine days, what with eating meat being forbidden and eating dairy being unwise. Koala has bad reactions when I eat milk products, so I’ve pretty much stayed away for the last 3 months. I miss cottage cheese. Yes, cottage cheese.

I did my fasting-while-breastfeeding halachic research (namely, asked my rav) and I’m prepared to do what I need to do. Whatever happens now, Yom Kippur is going to be killer later. Sigh.

My brother’s in town and it’s been fun having an uncle around to hang with the Koala. They’re getting along fabtabulously.

Next week I officially go back to work, though I’ll be working from home for a while. The plan is try to get into the office when I can to keep in touch and get into the mood. I was already working from home quite often in the end of my pregnancy but this will be a daily schedule for me. Looking forward to the challenge and chiseling out a nice, healthy schedule.

That’s all for now. Gotta hang with Koala for these last precious hours of government-paid freedom…

Ancient lizrael history.

Subject: update from the mideast
Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 09:30:06 -0400
 
hey friends,

i honestly dont think ive felt this happy in years. im in a place where i belong and im having an incredible time. its so real and unbelievable at the same time. i never understood those ppl who go to israel and never return, but im starting to now… i have one year left at [university], and its gonna fly… im starting to look at grad school here next week. ive spoken to a lot of people, americans, about how theyre experience in making aliyah was. im coming to know better its going to be hard - its not just a dream - last night i had a mini freak out when i realized how much i would miss crazy snow and new york city… seems small, but its a big deal. i thought about leaving my family and u guys and, yeah, itll be really hard - i grew up with many of u from the start, some of u are newer but the thought of not really getting the full chance to get to know each one of u makes me feel empty and careless. but as i was looking out at the entire ’skyline’ of jerusalem from the top of talpiot, i realized theres no where else to be. for me. for lots of other ppl too, but right now, for me. i get sad thinking about americans and why they dont move here. its a hard thing though. leaving everything. house, car, job, family, shul, youth.steady paycheck and the garantee ull get to work that day. theres lots to get used to, and since im ‘low maintence’ in a way - kal vchomer everyone else… i mean who knew air conditioning was a luxury…

if it was doable, i dont think i would go back to ny. i know its only been 2 weeks for me, and i know i have things to finish back at home, and i know irrational staying here is stupid, so no worries for u. its just, ive completely opened my heart to all these new possibilities surrounding me here, and in life, and i dont think ive ever felt so complete, except for being in love, and again i find myself in love, but here, and like all relationships, this one has its hard, heart-hurting pulls, like the fact that im leaving my immediate family and friends behind, at least physically… it tears at me. i hope u dont think ur not enough for me, or the community some of u have given me in america isnt good enuf - no, i guess ive never felt completely accepted into the ny jewish community, or perhaps i never accepted them totally either, but i did have a great time and i love those of u who made it so much better than it could have been as a baal tshuvah… u know who u are…

well i guess thats all kind of heavy and i wasnt going to write all that actually… but my heart is weighing with excitement, happiness, anxiety and sadness, and i wanted u all to know where i stand.

ive been keeping safe, no worries. i have my very own plan for where to sit on the bus and how to react to being blown up types of problems. became friends with a medic. u know, just in case.

and i could def get used to this tan way of life.

im sure i have lots more to say but im at work (Jerusalem Post) and need to write about crap bec they dont realize how brilliant i am… i should be covering sharon’s trips to the bathroom, not puppet festivals. ha.

i love u all, please have a great summer! im going to be home sooner than we realize… gulp, cant wait…

love,
me

Israeli life on paper.

I’m covered in dust as I write this from the depths of old documents, yellowed papers, stacks of ancient bills. Call it spring cleaning, call it nesting, call it what you will but I have managed to set aside three cartonim of dead trees to recycle. 

What’s super fun about doing something like this - in what is probably the first time since I’ve had a teudat zehut - is the fact that I get to find all the bits and pieces that mark my time in Israel as an olah. Cards from well wishers, that intro packet they give you from the Ministry of Absorption, the first apartment contract (ah, rechov Lamed Hey…). 

It’s all flashing before my eyes on old crinkly papers: my first Israeli bank account, my first Orange bills, subsequently my first Cellcom bills (what self-respecting Israeli would only have one phone contract?), my university application. Contracts from my first job here, updated contracts from my first job here. Bar Ilan schedules and Bar Ilan bills. Minhal Studentim letters and ishurs and then the faxes pleaing for more money from Minhal Studentim. 

Did I mention Bar Ilan notebooks and Bar Ilan finals schedules and Bar Ilan student ID cards and Bar Ilan assignments? 

My Israeli life on paper seems to have been fairly active so far. Getting here, opening accounts, applying for jobs and internships, signing housing and job contracts, organizing trips abroad and health insurance, working on a second degree, planning a wedding, proving my Judaism in order to get married, owning a dog, continuing to work on a second degree, getting pregnant. I’ve been jobless and homeless and directionless and I’ve been hard-working and studious and settled down. City life, suburbia. Single, married. Student, employee.

While there have been many chapters to my aliyah so far, I do feel like this is the beginning of a truly new and fresh chapter; perhaps this is a ‘Part II’. Everything before has been about me and my perspective, whether on my own or as part of a relationship, and from here on in, well, life in Israel - the good, the bad, the scary - will be shaped by the existence of a unit far greater in value than just me.

Next up: Israeli family life.

A lizrael update pregnant with… updates.

Pregnancy is probably the ultimate example of time flying while also feeling like the slowest dimension, which I’m realizing is especially true for the third trimester.

It’s a period filled with inner conflict: yalla, let’s do this already/whoa, what’s the rush, self?! At times I feel like a kid, constantly being asked, “how are you, little one?” and at times it’s clearer I’m about to have a kid, asking my belly, “how are you, little one?” 

It’s also a conflict between what my expectations of pregnancy were before and what the actual experience has been up until now. I usually go into situations with little to no expectations; it’s a life policy that has done me well. But after all these years of television-watching, stereotype-absorbing and heresay-accepting - yes, I came into it thinking I’d be a helpless annoying woman of cravings and mood swings.

Nay, it’s actually been quite pleasant. The pain is pain, but other than that I’m in better spirits than I am usually. I haven’t been consumed by extraneous consumption.  My moods are stable; if anything, I’ve been laughing more than I ever have (and often laugh harder when I think about how the poor baby is bouncing up and down in there while I laugh). And at the very least, I find that PMS is definitely worse, hormonally-speaking.

So as normal as growing a new creature inside of an older creature can be, I feel pretty normal. Which is why I do feel bad when friends and family abroad want to hear funny stories, entertaining fadichot, major reflections. It just hasn’t been too much like that. I’m enjoying the time being. I’m not letting the pain get to me too hard. And I’m going with the flow of feeling accomplished yet freaking out. Life is good.

Here are some of the other things I’ve been up to lately: 

• Moving to the belly rhythm. We have a schedule, belly tenant and I. When I wake up, it’s there, making a darbuka out of my uterus. When I go to bed, it’s there, sticking it’s extremities wherever it wants. Throughout the day we hang out here and there, but I think I’m too unfocused to focus when I’m sitting up. We have more fun when we’re both lying down. 
• Getting friendly with nurses visits. I’m at that point where I have to go to the nurses more often to get weighed and all that. Plus the doctor appointments after next week will become as frequent as my bladder breaks. 
• Meeting with midwives. I’ve been working on meeting with Ilana Shemesh, the Israeli-American midwife who built two tzimmer-style birthing cabins in her backyard on a yishuv near Ramle. Not sure it’s a realistic option, but I thought I’d check it out. Also meeting with another Israeli-American midwife in my area who came highly recommended. Definitely more realistic. 
• Not complaining. I’m trying very hard not to complain too much. I actually think people get freaked out when I don’t complain, but I’m not one to think complaining helps. Yes, my back is in near-constant pain. No, it’s not my lower back, so I sometimes lend a minute to worry about when the lower back pain does start and then I’ll have two kinds of back pain to work out. Yes, I have gall bladder issues it seems and I’m getting it checked out in a couple weeks, but no, there isn’t much I can do about it so I’m learning to embrace it like an old friend who keeps coming back after hurting me so. 
• Considering a pregnant women’s circle. Found an advertisement in the Tzur Hadassah cultural bulletin for a ‘pregnant women’s circle’ they’re trying to start up. Wasn’t sure what that meant but I went to the orientation last night and it seems kinda cool. As my husband says, very ‘Israeli’: sitting around with a group of hippy-ish preggos in dim lights with tea, discussing our changing bodies and minds while meditating and breathing and loving life. I might give it a shot; said-husband must be sick of hearing about it from me and I don’t blame him. 
• Enjoying the hair. I don’t care if that sounds weird. I’ve missed my long, thick hair and for the next few months I get to enjoy the false reality that my old pre-aliyah hair has returned. We can rediscuss when it all falls out in May.

The lizrael update I’ve been waiting for.

Don’t know about you, but I can speak for myself, my husband, my family, some of my closer friends, and probably some coworkers and ex coworkers when I say that this is the lizrael update I’ve been wanting to share for a long, long time… In fact, I can pinpoint the time. It would be here.

But now I can finally say: I’ve handed in my very last graduate school work. It was actually a couple weeks ago, but it was too good to believe on the spot so I’ve been waiting until it sank in.

Don’t get me wrong; I have no confirmation except my own calculations and last year’s assurance from a department secretary that my student file is ready to be stamped This one’s good to go. I also want to know that my final internship project has passed. As far as I know, I’ve handed everything I can possibly hand in, taken all credits and finals, and paid (or had others pay) all monies to complete my requirements. If this is truly the happy ending, then my official graduation won’t be until the end of this academic year.

But, with a little optimism uncharacteristic of an Israeli student, I will say:

No more teachers, no more strikes.

No more Minhal Studentim hikes.

Some people have already asked me, “What are you going to do now?” And in my head I’m replying, “Think up my next academic feat,” while my mouth brings forth, “Birth a baby and perhaps raise it.”

A little late, but a lizrael update.

Haven’t done this in a while, but here goes.

Aliyah

At this point, I’ve been living in Israel for three and a half years. Seems like so much longer… I can now count ‘old friends’ I had when I first came, I have a lengthy list of apartments I’ve lived/crashed in, I’ve been married for nearly two years and traveled internationally with an Israeli travel document six times.

The reasons I stay in Israel are different from the reasons I originally came. When I landed here, I was a single post-graduate with a lot of different directions and vast openness. Since then, I’ve worked at a steady job for three years, which has opened me up to a career path I never would have expected for myself, but warmly welcome. I’ve married a non-American/non-Israeliborn from across the world, so it will never be easy to pick up and leave Israel for us; it’s not a matter of moving to an obvious place.

Also, I’ve invested so much into living here, mentally, and I’ve lost touch with reality in the States. I’ve gotten used to a lifestyle here that I couldn’t have back there with ‘only’ this much effort.

It’s not that I’m thinking of leaving Israel, but I really don’t think about it because it’s now, simply,  where I live, where I get my paycheck from, where I’ve started building my house and home.

School

I’m on the very last leg of my toar sheni, my graduate degree. Yeah, remember that goal I set out for myself three years ago? Conflict Management and Negotiation at Bar Ilan University.

I’m currently engaged in a required ‘internship’ which actually takes place at my job. I’m working on creating a dispute resolution program for an online social Q&A community. I like that it has nothing to do with international relations or politics (although sometimes it feels that way).

I’ve come to realize that being friends with the intertubes is the way to go if you’re going to live comfortabley in Israel. That being said especially as I’ve been told by professors that no one makes a living here off only doing gishur (mediation). Online Dispute Resolution is a curious path I’m looking forward to exploring in the coming years.

Which leads me to my work…

Work

By some interesting twist, three years ago I ended up working in the marketing department of an internet company and I’m still there, job having evolved over the years, but a rainbow of experience gained.

The job that was supposed to be my financial parent through grad school became a career path - who knew? In fact, I’d argue I’ve learned way more at the job than the university, even if the two subjects are completely unrelated.

I tell people now that if you are open, have mother-tongue English and some internet savvy in your pocket, hi tech is the way to go here in Israel. You don’t have to start your own start up, either. There are plenty of jobs right now and the business is flourishing. And because it’s based in Israel, and you speak mother-tongue English, you are a step ahead in gaining a new career that you can really leverage. Just be open to learning some code.

Family

As I said above, we’ve been married for nearly two years now; we have a Tu B’Av anniversary coming up. Marriage is everything and nothing like I thought it would be, in the best possible ways. And I know why that is; it’s because of who I married and how much we’ve both been open and proactive about making this work.

Of course, we’re at two years and no kids, so who are we to talk? There are challenges that crop up now and then, mainly concerning the issue of us both being from two different countries located on opposite ends of the planet. What if we left? Where would we go? Whose family do we visit next?

It is also difficult for both of us to be far from our families; neither of us have immediate family here and we do catch each other’s bouts of homesickness once in a while.

But there’s also the topic of extending our own family, which I’ve realized I wouldn’t want to start anywhere else but Israel. It’s a different life than how I grew up, but I think with lots more positive elements.

Lizrael Update: school keeps on truckin’.

I know it’s been a while since I properly updated with the whole fancy ‘lizrael update’ subject line. And this is likely to be quick, since it concerns school.

Some days I’m soclose to finishing my remaining projects (which these days numbers three) and some days I feel like I will never finish this thing. Fortunately, today was a soclose day. I’ll be done with one paper by the end of the week, starting a new one (ahem… two years over due one) after Shavuot and then I have my big fancy internship project to work on and then write up.

Of course, there is also the official ‘course gishur’ (mediation course) to take, which I still need to sort out dates and details for.

No more classes, no more books… but a lot between me and accomplishing the degree.