I could have shared more, perhaps, over the last two years. But sharing would only be a byproduct of expressing things that hurt so much to express. Pain, sadness, depression, anger. Despair.
The visual I’ve put together of what it’s been like is… imagine you’re overboard, falling into the ocean; you look upward and you can see that sun ray effect into the water’s surface, you can tell that as you look up, you’re looking up from a darker place above into a lighter place.
But you’re drowning; the best you can do is hold up an arm, hoping someone will grab it. It won’t happen though; the faces you see, presumably human ones, attached to living, thriving bodies – they peer down into the water, half interested, half curious, half jeering, half distracted.
You feel a burst of energy, a desperate gulp for air, and reach up, outstretched, and you know – you know because it spreads over you like a chill – that no one will grab you, you’re going down.
I don’t know what to say or why to say it. I’m exhausted. It’s not elation we will feel over the next couple days… if we’re lucky, it’ll be relief. But it’ll be blended with grief.
We’re not done grieving. We’re so, so withered. I look out the window of my country and wonder, how do people continue to be?
One headline, one photo, one comment can turn me upside down. This country is filled with millions of kal v’chomers.
Even the posters, old, washed out – they plead in faded colors. Even the ביחד ננצח taunts me.
There’s not enough energy to unpack how wrong everything’s gone, let alone time.
After the next couple days, we’ll still be pawns in a bigger game. We’ll still be in incredible pain.
Just understand, if you’re on the outside looking in – this isn’t the end. The war doesn’t end with a final rally and high profile English language speeches. The war doesn’t end when the hostages, some in loose clothing, some in shrouds, come home. The war doesn’t end when yet another October 7th survivor ends the pain in suicide. The war is a wound that is slowly sinking into our skin. One day it will stop bleeding, one day it will be light pink, and one day it will hide on the underside, but it will always be there because we are not done living in this world where this, all this, could and did and can happen.
Whadya got: