Can nothing else save Kadima?

Obviously:

Faith healer wants top Kadima slot [Times of Israel]

Oren Zarif claims he secured Mofaz’s victory for him through supernatural intervention

A popular psychokinetic mystic has demanded that the newly installed head of Kadima make him his right hand man, Israel National News reported.

In a letter to MK Shaul Mofaz, Oren Zarif insisted that he be made Kadima’s number two because his supernatural powers enabled Mofaz’s victory.

In need of a little background? Meet Oren Zarif.

The Messiah: Oren Zarif-style.

If you are looking for a laugh – a reprieve from some annoyingly tedious Israeli political news lately – how about yet another Oren Zarif adventure:

Healer hails TV personality Yaron London as official messiah

If you ask Oren Zarif, a self-styled super-healer, the messiah has been here for some time. Meanwhile, the messiah continues to deal with the petty things in life, keeps up with the news and doesn’t miss the days when he broadcast together with Motti Kirschenbaum on Channel 10. 

In his dream, Zarif sees the messiah, better known as TV personality Yaron London, riding through the streets of cities on a white donkey and blowing a large shofar, heralding the redemption. Zarif takes his dreams seriously. That is why he has contacted an advertising agency to begin a campaign to crown London as the official messiah. Of all time.  (Haaretz)

If you don’t know any backstory on Oren Zarif, the mystical Mizrahi healer who advertises heavily in the Jerusalem Post weekend editions, make sure to read up so you can appreciate this new bit in full: 

Then go back and read the urgent breaking news Haaretz had to publicize. And read until the end – the last paragraph is gold.

An *enlightening* discovery.

They say lightening never strikes twice, but that is simply untrue when it comes to the palms of Oren Zarif’s hands.

A while back I brought him up when I discovered the Mizrachi healer’s website.

Then, a couple weeks ago, I was walking through Talpiot when from the corner of my eye I spotted the signature lightening bolt and constipated look in the eye…

Oh no! He’s not posing for an advertisement for… a lighting store! And that’s not just a flash of lightening in his palms – it’s a flourescent lightbulb. What an electrifying way to make an extra buck on the side when the healing thing is not what it used to be.

But starting at nine shekel for a flourescent bulb. That’s not bad.

Someone has to heal Oren Zarif’s marketing campaign.

Sometimes, we have to heal the healer. I’m referring, of course, to Oren Zarif. And by healing, I mean help him out with his horribly cheesy marketing schemes.

Sounds familiar? Not sure who I’m talking about? Sure, you do! Here’s a clue:

There are plenty of healers out there in the world, across cultures. There might be a few healers out there who would put a photo of himself in his ad campaign with a lightening bolt between his palms. But there is only one guy in the whole universe who would have a miniature of himself dressed like Tarzan between the palm of his hands.

And that man is Oren Zarif.

Oren Zarif marketing

And Oren Zarif has gone too far. For years, we have tolerated his weekly ad campaigns in the Shabbat edition of the Jerusalem Post… You know the ones: The great Mizrachi healer, posing with those he has healed as well as pseudo-famous Israeli personalities. Ridiculous? Definitely. Photo-shopped? Probably.

A couple weeks ago, we were dining at a lovely Moroccan joint in Talpiot – HaTanjin – where we picked up a copy of a Jerusalem magazine. In it was the following advertisement, as glossy as it was painful:

Oren Zarif advertisement

And that’s when I saw it: the website. The man has created a website. I wonder if he used the lightening bolt to create it.

Well, we piled on to my couch and opened a browser. Two minutes later, we were witnessing the cheesiest video a long-nailed Mizrachi healer has ever dared to film… It was episode 1 of Oren Zarif’s video clip adventures.

I know you are running off to lend your poor, innocent eyes to this masterpiece… Here are some places you must notice:

  • The photo gallery (Please don’t miss the first photo, with Zarif’s head chopped off as he bends to get a photo with Stephen Hawking).
  • The press page (I love how most of the articles are in the style of paid-for advertisements).
  • The bio (Don’t miss this! It’s important that we keep this man’s wife and two kids in our prayers…)