today i should have been walking around in naot in 60-70 degree weather, praying with meaning after a year’s dry spell, running my hands over white stone and falling in love. instead i was walking around in naot in lesser weather; praying to a passport agency for a way out of here; beating my thumbs to bad radio on the steering wheel; falling asleep after waking up at 4:44 am after a dream that i had found the place where my old passport was (and subsequentially checked out that place, and every other place, for the next 2 hours before leaving to connecticut).
but really, who says we should be anywhere at anytime? sometimes being right here is where you are supposed to be. i didnt have family closure on tuesday. i have been neglecting my mom and brothers for some time. i’ve been having trouble expressing myself to my friends about what they mean to me. i wasnt even packed the morning i was supposed to leave. most of all, i was absent minded enough not to even think about where my passport was the night before. i wasn’t ready to go.
i needed a kick in the ass. these past few months have been fantastic, but i’ve lost sight of why i’m moving to israel, how i’m moving to israel, and who i’m leaving behind. ironic. or not. it doesnt matter. i deserved this, and i accept it, and it’s totally fine. everything is fine. on shabbat last week i prayed for the first time in over a year and a half and i asked for the way to be opened a small bit for me so i could get back in touch with what i should be making my reality, my goals. i think somehow, that prayer got answered when my passport went missing. who knows where it is, who cares. i think i know where i am now, and i’m ready to realize where i’m going.