today i should have been walking around in naot in 60-70 degree weather, praying with meaning after a year’s dry spell, running my hands over white stone and falling in love. instead i was walking around in naot in lesser weather; praying to a passport agency for a way out of here; beating my thumbs to bad radio on the steering wheel; falling asleep after waking up at 4:44 am after a dream that i had found the place where my old passport was (and subsequentially checked out that place, and every other place, for the next 2 hours before leaving to connecticut).
but really, who says we should be anywhere at anytime? sometimes being right here is where you are supposed to be. i didnt have family closure on tuesday. i have been neglecting my mom and brothers for some time. i’ve been having trouble expressing myself to my friends about what they mean to me. i wasnt even packed the morning i was supposed to leave. most of all, i was absent minded enough not to even think about where my passport was the night before. i wasn’t ready to go.
i needed a kick in the ass. these past few months have been fantastic, but i’ve lost sight of why i’m moving to israel, how i’m moving to israel, and who i’m leaving behind. ironic. or not. it doesnt matter. i deserved this, and i accept it, and it’s totally fine. everything is fine. on shabbat last week i prayed for the first time in over a year and a half and i asked for the way to be opened a small bit for me so i could get back in touch with what i should be making my reality, my goals. i think somehow, that prayer got answered when my passport went missing. who knows where it is, who cares. i think i know where i am now, and i’m ready to realize where i’m going.
friend: “20 years from now when your old and grey and living in Gush Katif you’ll describe your aliyah as the biggest anti-climax of your life.”
lizrael process, part III:
go to connecticut tomorrow for passport agency to get quickie passport.
if i get that, and it’s before 10 30, off to the city for jewish agency papers and then consulate.
if i submit those, i’m good to go.
if i dont get quickie passport, wait until monday for it and go to consulate asap. commence crying about needing visa by friday.
for now, flight on January 9.
a friend asked me what the most traumatic moment in my life was. i really couldn’t come up with an answer.
“my parents divorce?”
it was a question and i dont even know if it’s the real answer. i haven’t really experience much trauma, have i? i’ve been fairly lucky.
so second round: fate 2 – liz 0. i didnt get on the plane today. my passport walked away with my visa, hand in hand, and they left me out of their playdate.
if aliyah were easy, i dont think it would be aliyah… you cant raise yourself without expending some energy. or time…
besides, i’m still lucky. what’s 2 weeks when i have years and years ahead?
you have to work really hard to get the things you really want.
after all, this is gonna be one sweet lemonade. for now, sucking on lemons isn’t so bad.
i dunno. i guess it all makes sense. this is what i’ve been talking about.
i’m not feeling very profound. i’m not feeling much of anything still…
this has been a slow, drawn out thing and it still is.
so… ‘have a safe flight’ and ‘good luck’…
so i’m go-go dancing for the last time (for a while) in a NYC club and this guy leans up to me and asks me where i’m from and as i begin to mouth, ‘staten island,’ i had a last minute change of heart and i smile and i tell him, ‘israel’, and he goes, ‘cool’.
currently, the situation is as follows:
leads on apartments
leads on jobs
leads on friends
leads on adventures
a plane ticket
soon your night will be my morning and life will go on.