very very frustrated.
why am i here? it’s funny, my israeli friends all called it. they warned me. “you’re going to get right back into old habits, and at the same time, feel empty.” “you realize there is nothing for you there.” “you’ll say hi to your old friends and your family and then you’ll just think about coming home.”
home. i’ve been searching for it, yet i’m sitting in it, aren’t i? even my parents are like, “what are you doing here?” i’m looking back because that’s what i thought everyone wanted, but all anyone else is doing is looking forward. the way i was looking before. i have made so many mistakes, and i am so so frustrated.
it’s ok. it’s always ok. i’m just going to get up and pick up and leave it all. i’m going to go back to israel and look forward. toward my future. like what my friends are doing here, and my friends are doing there. whether here is the u.s. and there is israel or vice versa. people are moving and i have been stagnant for 5 months.
i thought this would be the best year ever. i thought i’d be feeling the thrust forward into my future and goals and dreams with great energy and excitement. it turns out, i’ve been wrong about so much this year. it turns out, my karma was 100% better in the months after i suspended aliyah until january, ‘stuck’ in the u.s., as opposed to the months i was sitting around in Jerusalem after aliyah. it turns out i thrive on work and get depressed as an unemployed.
it turns out i was passionate person getting to israel for the last 6 years. and once i got there, i became empty.
it’s time to find what i was looking for, it’s time to get back in touch with the dreams. america is not all that much right now. it’s a place to go shopping for quality products and hug my parents and say thank you. a lot of thank yous, to people and a country that raised me. but i’m done here. it’s time to move forward into what i have been about for the last 6 years.
i think i’m going back to israel early and going to kibbutz.