To dream, to live.

hey A,

i wish i could give u some inspiring examples from my own life, but its doubtful.

ive been bummed for awhile. since making aliyah, i have only really felt unproductive, unadventerous, and a lot of the time, alone. depressing. aliyah was like the climax of my passion for israel, and things starting going into a everyday routine life once i did it, which makes sense, because the point was to live here, not dream about living here. ok, i sound like i am being more hard on myself than i really am. it’s not on my mind everyday. but being jobless and not doing anything to better the world, the opposite of college, and not feeling smart and productive and powerful, is getting to me. understandably, i think.

my dream situation would be to go to bar ilan now, for conflict management, (which begins 0ct 30) and just get money in scholarships and study and volunteer and live off said-scholarships. or have a job that has to do with my degree while i study. and i have a feeling school will be harder than i think it is going to be. i mean, hebrew classes at grad school level. i have to take 2 undergrad courses and maybe ulpan on top of everything else.

truth is, im excited for it because it means getting back in touch with the old liz again. let the games begin!

so i was going to do this techwriting internship at the same time as school and be totally poor with no free time, until i end it and then get a job in techwriting and make a shitload of money at starting salary, but they havent gotten back to me and im starting to think i should lose the idea because its not who i want to be deep down, and i dont do things for lots of money in liz’s world, and if that is where i am trying to end up, then, well, eh.

so i have been in limbo for 8 months now. limbo is worse than anything for me. oct 30, i get to start school and test how far ive strayed from who i really am when i get thrown back into the cold water. until then, i should really work so as soon as i move into my new apartment september 1, i will settle down and straighten out my karma and my life.

i hate to not have positive things to say but i’ve been feeling really lost and helpless for a little while since coming back. i hate being dependent on people, i.e., crashing at peoples’ places before i can move in somewhere, and that kind of thing, i have no boyfriend for the first time in ages, which is a good thing in the long run, but bla right now… anyways… we both need to clear our heads and take control of the voice that speaks to us when no one else is talking… its hard but we are both powerful women who know what it is to be on top if we can just push ourselves there.

i miss u man… if u end up in jerusalem, u know i’m here for you. or even if you dont.

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