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b'herayon koala update lizrael update

Adapting to new life.

The Koala isn’t the only newbie around here. It’s hit me in the last week that I am a new person. It’s been a short process (36 hour labor) and a long process (it’s about a year since I found out I was pregnant).  But here I am, changed.

I’m a mother. I’m a food source. I’m a caregiver.

I’ve got, for better or worse, a forever-altered body.

I’m paying the bills while being challenged daily as a WAHM.

I have a new sixth sense that is always at work, whether I’m awake, on a different floor of the house, or asleep.

I have everything to lose, and if I did lose everything, I would never be the same.

I’m already not the same.

My relationships have altered. I don’t know if the other halves of these relationships realize it. Resent it. Care either way. I don’t know yet if I do.

I’m tired. I’m anxious. I’m in love I can’t control.

I want to take my Koala and fly away but I want to take my Koala and hide right here.

I’m riding a rollercoaster that started when I was born, only now, I’m climbing up to the highest drop. I thought previously that the highest drop was childbirth – the physical transition from person to parent – but now I know that wasn’t it.

I’m at the top, peering down. The highest drop takes you to a place where you are making sure he isn’t choking on a grape; avoiding physique-altering car accidents; advising on keeping away from the bullies; working toward ‘enough to eat’; looking over your shoulder to make sure he’s still behind you; dodging diseases; checking for breathing…

It’s overwhelming.

But now it’s me.